An Open Letter to the Dumbass Who Broke into my Jeep

In the spirit of the "Hey Crackhead" rant from craig's list (google it if you don't know what I am talking about), I am posting a message to the individual who got into my Jeep last week.

Hey Dumbass, the question that I have been dying to have answered since you ripped me of is this...What is the street value for the owner's manuel of a 2004 Jeep Wrangler? That book is the only thing that you got from me that is worth anything. Well to be fair, the airpump and jumper cables probably cost around thirty dollars. I am guessing that is more money than anyone on eBay is going to give you for my manuel. I shouldn't be so cocky, you did get a lot of my CD's. I hope that you enjoy my Fuel/Disturbed/Matchbox 20 mix, but I seem to be the only person who is capable of appreciating the mixing of those bands. I doubt your taste for music matches mine . Buddy, you have called down the thunder now get ready to reap the whirlwind.

I had expected that something like this would happen, eventually. When you own a Jeep you become the target of "Jeep-haters". They are sad a sad lot of people. Wannabe Jeep owners who don't have the balls to drive a real vehicle and are forced to make due with laughable Geo Tracker substitutes. It is a special breed that gets to own a real Jeep because, when you drive a Jeep you become endowed with powers and abilities beyond those of mortal men. A primal force from the deepest depths of your soul screams out for adventure. In the short amount of time that I have owned my Jeep, only fourteen months, I have done many strange and fantastic deeds from behind the wheel. I have chased down motorcycling gangs in dystopic Austrailia with the Road Warrior known as Max. I have traveled back in time with Dr. Emmet Brown and Marty McFly to undo damage to the space/time continuum. I won a "Duel" against a Peterbilt 351 while traveling the backroads of the California desert. I came in second place in the Cannonball Run. I even saved a nerdy guy named Arnie from an evil 1958 Plymouth Fury. To own a Jeep is to possess great power and with great power must also come great responsibility. I welcome the adventures that I am thrust into and I do not fear the evils that stand against me and my Jeep.

Dumbass, I do not blame you for wanting to get inside my Jeep. You got caught up by the stories of the superheroics that Jeep owners are privileged to experience that excitement called you to act on a rash impulse. No doubt once you breached the armored canvas of my Wrangler you became remorse with feelings of guilt for taking advantage of such a noble ride, which is why you made a cowardly escape into the cover of darkness. However, you robbed from a Jeep, for that there must be retribution.

Actions bear with them consequences. Newton's Third Law states, "For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction." You went where you were not invited and you took what was not yours. Consider this your warning, this is your only opportunity to make right the wrongs that you have done. Turn yourself in and apologize or suffer the consequences.

A posse has come together. It is no dorky fellowship. An elite squad of operatives that are trained for this type of mission. They have been made aware of the crime that you have committed. They are my personal conflict squad. They went to 'Nam, Iraq and fought Global Terror. They will track you down and they will bring you in using any means that are necessary. Jeep High Command also knows what you have done. The Allies of Jeep owners everywhere are looking for you. You are facing a war on every front with no place to hide. Savor you last few days of freedom, because soon vengeance will be mine.