Dave's World

An epic blog about the simple things in life and how we should all love one another...NOT REALLY. This is just random shit.

Friday, December 30, 2005

The Ultimate Showdown

If you have not seen this flash movie yet, I am telling you to watch it right after you read this!

http://www.flashportal.com/movies/The_Ultimate_Showdown.html

"The Ultimate Showdown" by Neil Cicierega is hilarious. It begins with Batman picking a fight with Godzilla. Then Shaq, Aaron Carter (???), Optimus Prime, Abe Lincoln, Indiana Jones, Jackie Chan, a Care Bear stare, and a mess of others do battle between one another. I won't spoil the ending for you but the climax involves Chuck Norris against an army consisting of both versions of Gandolf (Grey and White), the Black Knight from Monty Python, Robocop, Terminator, Lopan (Big Trouble in Little China), Spock, Captain Kirk, Darth Vader, Doc Ock, Bill & Ted, the Power Rangers and a slew of others.

Ever since I got broadband internet at home I have discovered all sorts of different flash animated shorts. There are a lot of crappy ones out there, but there is also a lot of great stuff being done by really talented individuals. One of the best is Matt Gardner, a guy who has produced a lot of comedic X-Men cartoons, all of which can be found at newgrounds.com.

It seems that if you are a talented artist who is looking for a break then one of the best ways to do it is to create something and put it on the internet. I don't know how many people have become a success this way, but at least you get to create without having to be used by a corporate entity. Well I doubt that is actually true and I would bet that someone is milking these guys for some money, because the world today seems to favor the rich and the powerful while everyone else is left in the cold (with energy prices going up and up who can pay their heating bills???).

Enjoy these cartoons, even the crappy ones are better than the poorly produced Japanese shit that the networks are importing.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

I don't know who said it...

...but I like it.

"Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it's just the opposite."

I found it on Wikiquote and thought I would share the wisdom.

Although I am not a believer in communism, I am not a fan of the greed that comes with capitalism. It is an ugly aspect of our nature, to want it all for ourselves and the rest be damned.

We need a new choice, people. Lets all put on our thinking caps and figure this one out.

Monday, December 26, 2005

An Open Letter to the Dumbass Who Broke into my Jeep

In the spirit of the "Hey Crackhead" rant from craig's list (google it if you don't know what I am talking about), I am posting a message to the individual who got into my Jeep last week.

Hey Dumbass, the question that I have been dying to have answered since you ripped me of is this...What is the street value for the owner's manuel of a 2004 Jeep Wrangler? That book is the only thing that you got from me that is worth anything. Well to be fair, the airpump and jumper cables probably cost around thirty dollars. I am guessing that is more money than anyone on eBay is going to give you for my manuel. I shouldn't be so cocky, you did get a lot of my CD's. I hope that you enjoy my Fuel/Disturbed/Matchbox 20 mix, but I seem to be the only person who is capable of appreciating the mixing of those bands. I doubt your taste for music matches mine . Buddy, you have called down the thunder now get ready to reap the whirlwind.

I had expected that something like this would happen, eventually. When you own a Jeep you become the target of "Jeep-haters". They are sad a sad lot of people. Wannabe Jeep owners who don't have the balls to drive a real vehicle and are forced to make due with laughable Geo Tracker substitutes. It is a special breed that gets to own a real Jeep because, when you drive a Jeep you become endowed with powers and abilities beyond those of mortal men. A primal force from the deepest depths of your soul screams out for adventure. In the short amount of time that I have owned my Jeep, only fourteen months, I have done many strange and fantastic deeds from behind the wheel. I have chased down motorcycling gangs in dystopic Austrailia with the Road Warrior known as Max. I have traveled back in time with Dr. Emmet Brown and Marty McFly to undo damage to the space/time continuum. I won a "Duel" against a Peterbilt 351 while traveling the backroads of the California desert. I came in second place in the Cannonball Run. I even saved a nerdy guy named Arnie from an evil 1958 Plymouth Fury. To own a Jeep is to possess great power and with great power must also come great responsibility. I welcome the adventures that I am thrust into and I do not fear the evils that stand against me and my Jeep.

Dumbass, I do not blame you for wanting to get inside my Jeep. You got caught up by the stories of the superheroics that Jeep owners are privileged to experience that excitement called you to act on a rash impulse. No doubt once you breached the armored canvas of my Wrangler you became remorse with feelings of guilt for taking advantage of such a noble ride, which is why you made a cowardly escape into the cover of darkness. However, you robbed from a Jeep, for that there must be retribution.

Actions bear with them consequences. Newton's Third Law states, "For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction." You went where you were not invited and you took what was not yours. Consider this your warning, this is your only opportunity to make right the wrongs that you have done. Turn yourself in and apologize or suffer the consequences.

A posse has come together. It is no dorky fellowship. An elite squad of operatives that are trained for this type of mission. They have been made aware of the crime that you have committed. They are my personal conflict squad. They went to 'Nam, Iraq and fought Global Terror. They will track you down and they will bring you in using any means that are necessary. Jeep High Command also knows what you have done. The Allies of Jeep owners everywhere are looking for you. You are facing a war on every front with no place to hide. Savor you last few days of freedom, because soon vengeance will be mine.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Freaken Awesome!!!

Christmas came a little early for me. I got the first two volumes of the BBC spy show "MI-5" (called "Spooks" in the UK). I have watched three episodes and I am going to watch one more before the night is through. I'll have to post more on this show in the future, but in the mean time I am off to watching another episode. Merry Christmas everybody.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Another Old Piece of Writing

About a year ago I found the website popmatters.com, which reviews various forms of popular culture. It is divided into different genres of pop such as movies, television, books, video games, and comic books. Over the summer I noticed that there were less and less reviews were being posted in the comic book section. I checked their submissions area and saw that they were looking for a new person to review comics. While not a paying job, one does get to keep the comics that they send to review. So I wrote a review of the Marvel Comics series "House of M", which came out over the summer. However, I never emailed it to popmatters.com. They wanted several reviews and I never got around to writing any others. Actually, I never even came back to proofread this one, but I am going to post it anyway. I think it is a decent piece of writing, but it does have some sentence errors. Lots of comma issues. Enjoy.

***

House of M
Publisher: Marvel Comics
Writer: Brian Michael Bendis
Artist: Oliver Coipel
Inker: Tim Townsend
Colors: Frank D'Armata

by David J. Graham

World History is charted by epic events. Timelines consist of dots that highlight those moments in the past when events surpassed the ordinary. The reign of Alexander the Great, the life of Jesus, Charlemagne King of the Franks, the Industrial Revolution, WW I and WW2, the Cold War and, finally, 9/11 are a chain of events that outline certain moments when the world was changed. Epics in fiction are stories of grand size and scope, where a hero or many heroes rise to accomplish extraordinary feats.

Epics in comics seem to occur almost every other year. Comic book epics highlight those times when publishers are looking to grab more of their fan's hard earned cash. Crisis on Infinite Earths, The Secret Wars, Zero Hour, The Infinity Gauntlet and Age of Apocalypse are some of those epics that the two largest comic book publishers have produced and even though the stories were fun, they hardly impacted the world of the characters in any real significant degree. Too often, when a publisher concludes its latest epic, very little of the world has changed. Often times many of the superheroes involved do not remember the events at all. When that occurs, long time and loyal readers are upset, because when you follow a character for years, and you grow up and mature, but your heroes do not, that is not a nice realization to come to.

The Infinity Gauntlet was an epic story that Marvel Comics produced in the early 90's. It was a six issue series, which had crossovers in at least half of Marvel's comics of the time. It told the story of Thanos, the Mad Titan, using a powerful cosmic tool to kill half the people in the Marvel Universe. The superheroes of earth, the Avengers, the Fantastic Four, the X-Men, Spider-man, Silver Surfer, Dr. Strange, practically every Marvel hero, rallied together to oppose a cosmic mass murderer, but at the end the story there were only a handful of characters that remembered what had happened. DC comics trimmed its universe of extraneous Supermans and confusing parallel earths by creating a Crisis. The DC superheroes opposed a villain of great power and when it was over their universe was rebooted and the characters were given updated origins that better reflected the times that they were in. Comic book epics are not stories of extraordinary heroes accomplishing even more extraordinary feats, they are marketing devices that tell stories of little consequence.

In 2005, House of M was an eight issue series that crossovered into sixteen other Marvel titles. It was the sequel to 2004's "Avengers Disassemble" story, which told the story of Earth's Mightiest Hero's being attacked and beaten by one of their own. In H of M, mutants, who have traditionally been the victims of racist hatred in the Marvel Universe, had somehow become the dominant species and have made the planet a utopia. Marvel's most militant mutant activist character, Magneto, is the benevolent leader of the world's mutants. Almost all of Marvel's heroes live ideal lives. Peter Parker is a publicly loved celebrity who is married to his first love, Gwen Stacy, has a son, and makes tons of money as an entertainer, and manages his success with his uncle Ben. The X-Men are not hated and feared by humanity, they live perfect and loved lives. However, the world changes when Wolverine realizes that everything is not as it should be.

Before H of M, there was "Avengers Disassembled", in which Marvel's premeire teram of heroes had their worst day ever. Every member of the team is attacked by his or her worst weakness. Seemingly at random, one horrible event after another leaves the Avengers beaten, broken, and more than a couple of the heroes are murdered (including fan-loved Hawkeye who dies attacking a Kree mother ship). The mastermind behind the attacks is revealed to be the Scarlet Witch, long time Avenger, daughter of Magneto and a mutant. The Scarlet Witch's reality warping mutant powers drove her insane and lead her to attack and kill her friends. Six months later the past Avengers join with the New Avengers and the X-Men to confront the Scarlet Witch and decide her ultimate fate.

The current style of story telling in comic books is to drag out events, across multiple issues, and eventually meander into some sort of a plot, and then end things abruptly without a clear conclusion. House of M does not get to be an interesting story until the mutant utopia has been established, at the end of the third issue. When the climax occurs in issue seven, with a particularly entertaining plot twist, the action abruptly seizes. The whole story feels at though you are riding that first extremely tall hill of a roller coaster and when you finally get to the top, after a very long and tedious crawl upwards, you are stunningly slammed into a brick wall only half way down the sloped hill. When issue number eight begins you are sitting back at the beginning of the track and it is time to get off the coaster, but you are not sure what actually happened when you went on the ride.

Comic book epics can tell extremely entertaining stories. The rallying of heroes to oppose evil is hardly ever boring, but it is hardly original or innovative. The comic book epic is as much a marketing device, to increase a publisher's sales on a large amount of its books, as it is a piece of dramatic fiction. Long time readers of comics want to see their favorite heroes be given more depth by the taking apart in grand events, but that hope may be expecting too much from superheroes. Superheroes are simple characters, their origins are colored with shades of grey that offer some depth and make them appealing characters, but they are entertainment first and literary second. The current style to tell simple stories over multiple issues could hurt the industry if readers decided that they preferred to wait for a collected trade paperback rather than bother with extraneous chapter of a large story. Readers may decide that they do not want to spend their money on something that is not going to amount to anything of significance until months later.

House of M is an entertaining Marvel epic. It involves many of Marvel's current popular characters and some of Marvel's less popular past characters. It has a slow moving beginning, but its ending does leave an impact on the current incarnation of the Marvel Universe. However, if you are a long time reader of Marvel comics then there is nothing in H of M that you have not seen in The Contest of Champions, Maximum Carnage or Heroes Reborn. If you are new to comics then give H of M and chance and expect to have fun. Its open ended conclusion promises more to come, but I doubt it will lead to anything that we have not already seen before.

***

Friday, December 16, 2005

My first post...

The beginning of an epic blog that will no doubt change the face of the world.

Well...this is kind of intimidating.

I am going to write a brief introduction of myself, because I think that is what is most appropriate at this point. Even if you think that you already know who I am, chances are that you only know a piece of who I really am.

Firstly, everyone, not just me, is more complicated than the person that they allow people see. No really, I guarantee you that the people in your life are more complicated than you probably give them credit for.

I am a fairly normal American guy in my mid-twenties. I live in Pittsburgh. I spent twelve years in Catholic school. I graduated from the University of Pittsburgh with a BA in English Writing and History. I am close with my family. My mother, father, sister, nephew, niece and brother-in-law. My friends and I know each other pretty well too. However, there is a lot of stuff that I keep to myself and I am sure that there are things about myself that people who know me can see, but that I am clueless about.

The point of this blog is that, someday, I want to be a writer and this is going to get me started. When I say that I want to be a writer I mean that I want to have something from my brain, put into words, and be accessible to the world. It would be cool if that ends up being the great American novel, but I would be happy with a genre novel. I am going to throw as much of myself out there that world will accept and then I am going to force twice as much more.

Take note people. This is it. I am going to need a lot of practice before I am any damn good. To get there I am going to need people to kick my ass. Not literally. I am going to need people to tell me what they think, which is where so you come in. Comment on my stuff. I am not going to take it personal, just don't be an asshole. Actually, be an asshole, but don't expect me to be nice about it.

Well that's all that is to be said about the beginning.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Some of the first things that I ever wrote...

Here are pieces of three stories that I wrote years ago for class. I guess that I should copywrite this stuff before I put it into the world, but I am not too worried about having these stories ripped off.

***The first is from "Memoirs of a Superman"***

“When I was eight years old my mother and me moved from the inner city out into the country. Onto a farm. A place with chickens, cows, hogs, and even some horses.” After a few minutes of gazing out the window Arthur continued his dialogue.
“I wish I could remember a lot of exact things from that age but it was all so long ago. The folks who owned the place made it home to any who needed one. They were an old couple who never had a family of their own. My mother and I were a family that had no home. It couldn’t have worked out better,” he said.
“Was that nice, growing up in the country? I have always lived in the city. Never really had a care to be anywhere else,” I babbled. I felt compelled to say something. I couldn’t sit there nodding like an idiotic mute. Arthur turned out of his stare and for a moment looked at me with eyes that spoke distinctly. Shut your mouth, was their message and then he turned back to the window.
“My mother died after four years of living on that farm. Pneumonia. I ran away from that place, I think now I did it to get away from her death. As if running would have made the pain go away. I hitched a train that was going back to the city. On the way there was an accident that derailed the train. I should have been crushed under the boxcar that I was in. I should have died under the train but I didn’t. I was able to dig myself out of the wreckage. As I pulled out of the pieces there was an explosion from another car and I was thrown into the air but I didn’t come falling back down. I hung up there in the sky until I wanted to come back down to the ground. I found I could will myself back up and in any direction I wanted to. It didn’t make any sense, why I could do any of it, but I was twelve years old and it didn’t need to make sense.”
As Arthur spoke his story the anxiety that had been stabbing through me eased away. Rationally I should have been more nervous. Though he looked very old he also looked to be in very good shape. He would have probably been able to deliver a thorough beating if he wanted to and didn’t seem to have the disposition that would laugh off any commentary that challenged his story’s realism. When he spoke the implausibility of his story did not weigh as much as the passionate way in which he spoke it. I was starting to believe what he was saying, not as factual but that his truth was on a subtler level.
“Can you imagine being a kid with the power to take whatever you want? To be able to do whatever you want to whoever you want and no one could stop you. I could’ve walked into any bank and take all the money I wanted but why bother with money when I could just take the things I wanted from those who had them. But what does a twelve-year-old want from the world, toys, candies, comic books? I was a living comic book. What I wanted I was denied to me and what I was given was just a super consolation prize. I could’ve wrecked cities with my anger but what stopped me was the memory of my mother. I couldn’t have her back but the memory of her could never be taken from me. She taught me that God gives talents for the betterment of the entire world. So I chose to help whoever I could. I brought food and medicines to the hungry and sick. Whenever I showed up in a city the people swarmed to me, they called me their Champion. In those early times I never used my abilities to strike at another human being, but in later years it seemed the only way to use my talents.” As I sat there listening my mind was busy trying to figure out the puzzle of Arthur’s delusion. Why was Arthur retreating into his fantasy world? Why would a man who seemed still physically able to lead a life outside of Shady Pines choose to stay? I couldn’t reason Arthur’s actions so I listened and looked as he sat slouched in his chair looking back and forth at his each of his hands. One hand stretched open with palm up the other hand clenched in a tight fist.

***The second was called "She"***

As I walked into the field towards them I saw that they were not paying attention to my coming near them. They were looking into the trees. Jeremy and James were pressed against on large trunk with each of them sticking their heads out a different side spying at something. Russell was smoking a cigarette and grinning in a way that I knew good things were not going on in his head, he was leaning against his own tree looking in.
“Hey, what the hell are you guys looking at?” I asked coming upon the group. James turned towards me and looked as excited as if I told him that a NASCAR track was being built in town. He looked frenzied with enthusiasm at whatever held their attention.
“Shhh, get out of sight and get a look at this thing. It is something crazy, Ben,” Jeremy whispered pointing at whatever held their attention. I closed behind a tree of my own. I peered around the trunk and saw some sort of fantastic creature.
It was taller than a man of average height, maybe six feet two inches. It was a person’s figure with two arms, two legs, a torso, and head on top. It had silvery an appearance that seemed metallic but by the movements that the creature made the silver seemed more like naked skin. It did not appear muscular but had a firm and shapely body. It had its back to us the whole time I had been observing it so when it finally did turn around I was surprised to see that it was a woman.
I studied the silver woman closer as she faced herself towards our direction. Her entire body was naked of any clothing and glistened in an almost holy way from the silvery metallic skin that covered her seamlessly. She had bare feet that showed no toes. Her foot had the shape of an ordinary person’s but lacked toes and instead shaped like a rounded boot at a point. Her ankles were slender and poked out an abstract bony knob on each side. Her legs stretched as two full figures, shaped perfectly as if engineered by God himself. Her waist and stomach pulled in and her chest out. Her shoulders were broad and the arms attached thin. Her hands were small and dangled long fingers but no nails from them. Attached to her neck her head displayed a strange face. Her chin was small and eloquent, cheeks smoothed back to tiny ears that seemed tightly pulled to the sides of her head. Her lips glistened metallic light from their incredibly smooth appearance. Her nose was small and found below a pair of eyes that were rounded orbs, which existed as only a surface feature and lacked the depth that normal eyes possessed.
Her shape was definitely female and human-like but her appearance was abstract. She lacked clear feminine distinction. Her gentiles were non-existent with a smooth, bare silver surface in place of the normal features. Breasts lifted from her chest but came to smoothed points that did not present nipples attached. Her face was like a statue of so-called modern art, with nostrils that lifted but did not open into a cavity and a mouth that did not open into a throat. On the top of her head was a very amazing feature, her hair. Each piece was long and as free moving as normal hair. It pulled from her forehead, out of her scalp, down her shoulders to the middle of her back. The amazing part was that it was a mesh of metallic strands that shimmered and reflected the light in ways that made a display of light that seemed to defy science. I was content to study her as long as I would be allowed her oddity was beautiful.
We had all been watching her move about for some time, probably half an hour or a little less when Russell decided that watching wasn’t good enough for him. He stepped out into view and approached her. She had been stepping about the same circle of forest floor the entire time that we watched her. She would close in on the trees, rocks and grass and study it. She moved in such a way, delicately, like she was being very careful not to make contact with what she was looking at. Bringing her face close to the side of a tree or bending over to scan the moss of a rock. Every piece of nature she seemed to be cataloging.
“Russell, what are you doing? Get back here before it sees you,” Jeremy whispered.
“If we brought that thing back to town… I don’t know what we could do with it but we could get paid gigantic money for it,” Russell said and I didn’t notice at the time but something about the way he said it bothered me later. It was like he didn’t mean it, like it was being told to him to say it and he was absenting mindedly repeating it.
“Russell, seriously get back here before she sees you. You don’t know what you are doing. You aren’t thinking,” I yelled as he moved farther away from us.
“What does he mean by she?” I heard James whisper to Jeremy but at the moment I didn’t think of it. Jeremy didn’t respond because at the same time Russell had come upon the silver woman.

***This third one wasn't a story. It was an excerise that was mildly popular***

It was warm one mid-October afternoon in that period of the day just before nighttime comes. I was in the backyard and had just finished cutting the grass. The day had not been particularly eventful and was coming to a soothing end. I was sitting on the back steps enjoying the tranquility of my surroundings. Birds were chirping and some bees were buzzing. A more serene setting could not have existed when then suddenly it changed.
“Oh my Gawd!” The next-door neighbor’s back door swung open with a heavy slam and Mrs. Staple came rushing out in a disheveled state. Following came her son Jon and lastly her daughter Sarah. Jon was holding their golden retriever “Buddy” clumsily in his arms and quickly making his way from the back porch to the lawn. He rushed onto the grass and stood Buddy up on his four legs taking a few steps back watching the pet intently. Something about this scenario didn’t seem all that right to me.
As I walked to the chain-link fence that separated our yards Mrs. Staple began waving her hands franticly at the dogs face. She was teetering side to side quickly and very nervously. She started blowing on the dogs face. Large breaths of air were expelled from her lungs onto Buddy’s long snout. The entire time the animal didn’t move. He stood still on all fours with his back straight and his head held up, staring in front of himself, panting steadily.
“You better not have killed our dog, Jonny. He’s only a puppy,” Sarah shouted at her older brother. I had known Sarah for most of my life. We were the same age and had gone to the same schools. We got along well with each other. Jon I didn’t know very well. He was older than me and always seemed a bit of a goon.
“I said it wasn’t mine!” Jonny defended himself with a fairly obvious lie and chewed the nails off his fingers watching Buddy watch the fluttering Mrs. Staple.
“Right, Jonny I light up and get toasted in honors club after school,” Sarah retorted.
“You probably do you freak,” he came back at her and I was apprehensive to come between the two, as it seemed that they were getting into something serious, but I had to ask.
“What’s going on?” was the only thing I said. Sarah looked at me and came over to the fence. She was smiling sheepishly with one hand on her side like children do when they sing that teapot song. She was embarrassed to have an audience but not in a mortified way and took on more of a “Have I got a funny story for you,” sort of way.
“The dog ate Jonny’s weed,” she said plainly and after I heard her I bit hard down onto my lip and tried not to laugh. I looked at Mrs. Staple who was sitting down next to Buddy and beginning to stroke the dog’s head and the back of his neck, trying to console to animal. Jonny was still chewing on his nails anxiously watching his mother and his dog. I looked to Sarah and she was smiling widely at me, looking me and pleading to me with her eyes not to speak a word of this to anyone ever. I laughed hard and she did too.
We looked over at Buddy and he began to stir. He did not move suddenly but began to shift his stance subtly. He lifted a back leg up and as he did toppled onto his side in a similar way that a tall tree topples over, tilting slightly then crashing hardly with a thud to the ground. Then Buddy, high as the clouds in the deep blue sky, pissed himself.

***

All of these pieces were written years ago and I have no intention of coming back to any of them. Well I always thought that the Capatain Champion story had potential as some sort of parable for what faith means to believers, but at the moment i do not have any intentions for the character or the story.