This is something I fired off to someone in an email today. The mini-story behind it is that I am not being true to myself and I am not being responsible with the things that are important to me. That idea pisses me off. So much so that I have thrown away any sense of grammar in an effort to clear out my head.
"I have the same concerns and have, on occasion, entertained the idea that maybe I will never be a writer, but I am not ready to surrender to that thought. How I look at it is that once I am serious about writing then what I will need to do is....write and write everyday and not stop. It seems like there is too much going on right now that I cannot begin that process. It isn't like I want to start writing, but I can't find the time. It is that I just finished one class. I had a class last semester. I work 9 hours a day and when I go home it isn't to an atmosphere where I can sit down and concentrate at all. I feel like this is not the time for me to do my writing. I know that is bullshit, but it seems rational to me. I feel it is time to sit down and write little things. Seemingly meaningless things. There have been nights when I have sat down and wrote things that I like. My problem is that I don't feel like there is anything to get out right now. I have a desire to write but not a passion. I have ideas, but no thrust to get them out. They don’t feel like they are finished. I have three more classes over the next four months. I have an academic life that I have to consider. A work life. A family life and a social one And I am trying to rearrange those priorities because I am loosing somethings to other things and I am not liking that. Big things. Important things that I haven’t made a good effort of doing maturely. Taking on a writing life seems impossible right now. It seems like I am juggling ten different things and nothing is going in the direction that I expect it to. I know writing is just one more of those things and all I have to do and if I keep at it and it will work for me, but I can't seem to believe that. I understand it, but I don't believe it. I think I can do it down the line and be successful and be satisfied, but at the moment it I am having serious problems dedicating the time and effort that every writer says is necessary, to be a success, without letting other things get hurt."
This was really just one of a number of other comments that people seem to believe are appropriate to make about my life. Like I am going to do anything in my life according to what other people think. Like I give a damn about what other people believe about my life. I have been nothing but responsible in doing the things that I have done with my life. I may not have always made the best decisions, but I have put myself into a decent place. I am going in a forward direction. I will achieve all of my goals...
Now I am just ranting, because I am pissed. Don't bother me today.
